The Four Seasons of Having Cancer-Fall

This season is truly living up to its name, 
As everything begins to Fall - tears, hair, hopes & leaves 
Almost as if all of the colorful trees, 
Stole the colors from the insides of me

Everyone’s celebrating my “victory”, 
The doctors tell me I’m lucky to have had a body so young & strong 
But what about my young, juvenile heart, 
What if it can’t be as tough - would it be so wrong?

But I need to ‘move on’; so I leave home, 
Ready to immerse myself into the American college ecosystem 
But every time I look at my bald head in the mirror, 
I go back to feeling like a dependent, a patient, a victim,

Nonetheless, I should be thankful, 
so thankful To have made it this far 
So I wear a wig and fill in my eyebrows, 
High waisted pants that hide my (still tender) giant surgical scar

New friends, new surroundings, new beginnings, 
Is the philosophy I was trying to follow 
But how do I develop meaningful connections when such a big part of me is unknown, 
Every new person’s understanding of me seems so shallow

So most of my time is spent in my room, 
As I rely on support from my friends back home 
But as distance & time zones come in the way, 
Daily breakdowns become the new norm

My google results show up ‘post-chemo depression’, 
 I didn’t know there was a saga to this nightmare 
After all the trauma my friends & family shared with me, 
I’m not ready to give them another scare

Perhaps I was in too much of a rush, 
My body fought it off, but my mind still needs to heal 
Green to yellow to red, the leaves teach me 
To slow down, stop, and let myself feel.

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